Decision Making in M/s

By taking the role of a true submissive, you decide to allow your dom to make all the decisions.
So, no — you shouldn’t have an opinion, suggestion, idea, or anything.

NTW #49

There are two things I want to touch on – how much trouble this attitude can cause and the reality of what decision-making looks like in my relationship.

First off, new submissives who believe they have no right to voice any kind of opinion can quickly end up in dangerous and abusive situations. I don’t encourage brand new people to give up their right to voice these things right off the bat. Unfortunately, this attitude can quickly spiral into a submissive feeling like they can’t voice any concern at all which leads to resentment and feeling trapped.

Second, if a dominant isn’t, at a minimum, interested in their submissive’s thoughts, I question why they have a submissive at all. What value is that submissive bringing to you if not partly their own mind? I’m sure there are negotiated dynamics where the s-type’s opinion truly is irrelevant to the dynamic but, in general, I think it’s something a dominant should be seeking out rather than ignoring.

With that, here’s how decision-making works for Daddy and me.

Our M/s has been negotiated so that Daddy has the final say in all decisions. Done. That’s it.

However, this doesn’t mean that he makes every single decision every single day. There are plenty of things he delegates back to me to make decisions about. He doesn’t want me to ask what I should eat for lunch or when I should shower. He doesn’t want to make decisions about minute details or what I’m doing with the blog. Instead, Daddy has given me various areas back to me as my responsibility. That is his decision.

When we first started out, I made decisions because I needed to. I needed to maintain a level of control on my side until I could trust Daddy enough to make decisions for me. This is something I still struggle with at times but we’ve been together long enough and I’ve watched him make enough decisions that I trust him a lot. Now, I make decisions because Daddy wishes for me to.

Big decisions are more his arena. Daddy seeks my opinion and thoughts in these decisions because it is his job to do so. It’s his job to obtain as much information as possible, including my opinion, in order to make the best decision for our relationship. Does he always ask me? No. Does he do so when he thinks it’s for the best? Yes. Also, he wants to know! I serve him because he likes to hear my thoughts, opinions, and suggestions. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t be wearing his collar.

Just because I don’t make the final decision doesn’t mean that I don’t have a voice in them. We don’t have formal protocols for me to give my thoughts and suggestions. I do know of dynamics where that is the preference, it just simply isn’t ours. We have regular conversations. Over time, I have learned, and am continuing to learn, when to stop pushing my position and yield. It’s a skill of its own and one I’m still practicing.

Part of Daddy making decisions is his commitment to being responsible for making those decisions. This means that he is going to step up and own any mistakes he makes and deal with the consequences that may occur from those decisions. This is something I have come to trust him to do over the years and he has proven to me over and over again that he is willing to do so.

For us, having Daddy make all of the decisions (except for those he has delegated to me) is a result of years of trust-building and practice. We know each other extremely well and I, as the slave, believe that he is capable of making the best decision for our dynamic. My voice is always heard and considered important, even if Daddy doesn’t always make the decision I think he should. I trust him enough to handle everything that may come up and make new decisions if needed.

This isn’t something to give over to another person lightly. You need to know another person extremely well to trust that they’ll make the best decisions for you and not act in only their own interests. Not everyone is a great decision maker and identifying as a D-type doesn’t automatically make a person one. Learn how to trust each other first, know each other’s morals and values, and then allow your D-type to make decisions for you over time. Giving up that control can be hard but it’s deeply affirming and deepens the dynamic in valuable ways.

No True Way
Every Damn Day in June

One thought on “Decision Making in M/s

  1. I found myself nodding as I was reading your thoughts.
    Trust and knowing each other are such an important factor in this regard.
    It takes a long time to get to that point and should not be taken lightly.
    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!

    Lilly

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